My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Randomize