Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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