I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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