totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
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