Midget sex pt 2 tonight
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
