I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
