I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Randomize
