There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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