ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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