I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
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