He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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