i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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