I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Randomize
