this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
