Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
