So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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