Texts From Last Night

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  (586): View more from Michigan

  I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now

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  (586): I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now http://tfl.nu/yx20
  Replies (1) Good night (1652) Bad night (687)
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  (425): View more from Washington

  my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.

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  (425): my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me. http://tfl.nu/ks5k
  Replies (22) Good night (842) Bad night (5543)
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.

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  (609): shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look. http://tfl.nu/n3uw
  Replies (16) Good night (4989) Bad night (862)
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  (828): View more from North Carolina

  Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.

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  (828): Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy. http://tfl.nu/roru
  Replies (15) Good night (6000) Bad night (1499)
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  (316): View more from Kansas

  So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses

  (1-316): View more from Kansas

  That sounds dangerous

  (316): View more from Kansas

  Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.

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  (316): So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses (1-316): That sounds dangerous (316): Don't worry......were wearing oven mits. http://tfl.nu/woxn
  Replies (9) Good night (4569) Bad night (958)
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  (210): View more from Texas

  If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.

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  (210): If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings. http://tfl.nu/8q1l
  Replies (9) Good night (4326) Bad night (832)
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.

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  (773): I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax. http://tfl.nu/p0im
  Replies (10) Good night (2456) Bad night (1059)
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.

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  (505): Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why. http://tfl.nu/r7vy
  Replies (7) Good night (2315) Bad night (822)
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  (+41): View more from Switzerland

  my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED

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  (+41): my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED http://tfl.nu/sryn
  Replies (3) Good night (2183) Bad night (602)
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band

  (312): View more from Illinois

  Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume

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  (402): Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band (312): Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume http://tfl.nu/sqqx
  Replies (19) Good night (2875) Bad night (735)
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.

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  (973): But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing. http://tfl.nu/ee1i
  Replies (1) Good night (679) Bad night (490)
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future 

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  (403): Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future  http://tfl.nu/vgsd
  Replies (3) Good night (808) Bad night (443)
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.

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  (816): God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency. http://tfl.nu/hky6
  Replies (0) Good night (738) Bad night (347)
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.

  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  And the results, officer?

  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  She's fucked.

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  (401): I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle. (978): And the results, officer? (401): She's fucked. http://tfl.nu/1koh
  Replies (6) Good night (1187) Bad night (393)
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  (469): View more from Texas

  I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.

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  (469): I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins. http://tfl.nu/edtw
  Replies (1) Good night (707) Bad night (483)

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