Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
Terrible brother advice.
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
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Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
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do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
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I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.