can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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