My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
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