i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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