this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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