my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Randomize
