so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
kristin has been a bad kristin
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Drunk is a universal language darling
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
