if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
