i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
