i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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