And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Did we literally take a cab across the street
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
