the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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