escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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