Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize