well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
It was confusing and full of hummus
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
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