someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
