Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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