You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
