dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Randomize