You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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