she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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