what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
