I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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