Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
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