Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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