I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
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I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
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When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
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