I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
