Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
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Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
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My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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