My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
