Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Randomize
