No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
