i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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