I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Randomize
