i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
