mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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