I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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