yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
