I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
