How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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