I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Randomize
