My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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