matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Less talking, more tequila
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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