I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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