i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Randomize
