Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
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