forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
