last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
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