operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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