I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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